On Nutrition: Corny food jokes

I love corny food jokes — ones that made my kids groan and now cause my grandkids to roll their eyes. Bear with me if you’ve heard these before.

• A man walks into the emergency room with a carrot poking out of one eye. A zucchini is shoved up his nose. A banana is pushed into his ear.

The doctor examines him and says, “Nurse, come quickly! This man hasn’t been eating properly!”

• Report from the Nebraska State Fair: Onthah Cobb was crowned Corn County’s queen last week. Well-loved in the community, Onthah is the daughter of a retired kernel.

Those who watched the competition say she creamed the other contestants.

Cobb, a husky girl, wore a yellow silk dress, and all the judges agreed she was very sweet. When presented with a bushel of flowers, Cobb just smiled and said, “Shucks.”

When asked how it felt to be canned by the winner, the first runner-up gave a frozen smile and replied, “I wish I had been picked.”

Cobb says she is proud of her roots and plans to stalk out a career in her chosen field.

• Mr. Johnson was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days,” he instructed. “Then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. By your next appointment, you should lose 5 pounds.”

Mr. Johnson returned two weeks later, and his doctor was shocked that he had dropped more than 20 pounds. “This is amazing!” his doc exclaimed. “You did this by following my instructions?”

The slimmed patient nodded. “I’ll tell you, though: That third day, I thought I was going to drop dead.”

“From hunger?” asked the doctor.

“No,” replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping.”

• What happened to the Pillsbury Doughboy? Sadly, he died last week at the age of 6 dozen years from a severe yeast infection complicated by repeated pokes in the belly. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin, and his gravesite was piled high with flours.

Several celebrities of the baking world turned out for his service, including Betty Crocker and Hungry Jack. His longtime friend Mrs. Butterworth served the eulogy, describing Doughboy as one who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Besides being flaky at times, Doughboy rose quickly in his profession. His life was filled with turnovers, however. He was not considered a very smart cookie, as he wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Many consider him a roll model, even though he became hard and crusty in his later years.

Doughboy was preceded in death by his flamboyant father, Pop Tart. He is survived by his fun-loving wife, Play Dough, two children, John and Jane Dough, and a bun in the oven. His funeral was held Friday afternoon at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes.