Dreamstime
Avoiding bullies doesn’t mean we can’t confront them.
Do people you know make comments about an ugly divorce you experienced? Do your in-laws tell secrets about your spouse that cause embarrassment for both of you?
If so, you’ve experienced adult bullying. It’s hurtful, and it can cause you decades of bad feelings. To protect yourself, think ahead.
“Jealous people can carry some very sharp sticks,” says a psychologist we’ll call Jason. “Those who see you as happy, moving on with your life, and financially secure can be mean. It pays to practice going temporarily deaf when certain people are around.”
Jason says that adults bullying each other follows the same patterns as teenagers bullying each other. But the key is to avoid the bullies as much as possible. Attend family functions, but simply keep your distance. Do decide which individuals are friends or foes.
“Mean people are very unhappy people,” says Jason. “I’ve heard all kinds of stories about women cutting down other women in family groups. Insults from calling someone fat to making fun of family members who aren’t having luck with getting pregnant are common. The ones doing the insulting are not satisfied with their own lives.”
It pays to live life from your own perspective. Stay in control of your own goals and plans. Seeking approval from other adults is a dangerous way to live.
“My 30-year-old son is a full-time musician,” says a nurse practitioner we’ll call Liz. “My family members always made fun of him and labeled him as a loser. Last year, a top music publisher chose three of his songs for a very famous singer. My son is now making more money than anyone in the family.”
If someone is making fun of your lifestyle or choices in life, remember to be true to yourself. Ask yourself the following questions:
— Where do I want to be 20 years from now? To get where you want to go, you have to focus like a laser beam. Getting distracted by bullies is not an option.
— What daily routine do I enjoy? Your overall lifestyle must support what you’re trying to accomplish. That’s why you have to plan the “rhythm” of each day. This harmony protects your mental health.
— Is my lifestyle hurting anyone else? As long as your goals and projects aren’t injuring your spouse or family, you have the right to stick to your chosen path. Review what’s going on periodically, and do make changes if you have to.
“When I started a home remodeling business, my two brothers-in-law made fun of me,” says a small business owner we’ll call Tyler. “They are stuck working for other contractors, but I had the nerve to borrow money and hire my own crew.”
Tyler says that reaching for more always causes conflict. Every single time you do something, there will be somebody who doesn’t like it.
He’s absolutely correct. Each of us makes others look a little inferior if we’re trying something different. People can grow jealous of you because there’s a chance you will succeed.
“Make sure you like yourself, feel comfortable within your own skin, and desire to invest your time in reaching your own unique goals,” says a career coach we’ll call Robert. “When you feel good about yourself, you can look any bully in the eye and ask, “Well, what’s eating you today? Do you need some new goals?”
Avoiding bullies doesn’t mean we can’t confront them. “By asking a question of the bully,” says Robert, “you’re giving that person a little shove backwards. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
(Judi Light Hopson is the Executive Director of the stress management website USA Wellness Café at usawellnesscafe.com. Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.)
October is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month. Here’s how you can tell if your child is being bullied — or if they’re the ones doing the bullying.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
Be on the lookout for changes in eating habits, such as suddenly skipping meals or binge eating. Kids may come home from school hungry because they didn't eat lunch from stress or social pressure.
Dreamstime/TNS
Be on the lookout for changes in eating habits, such as suddenly skipping meals or binge eating. Kids may come home from school hungry because they didn't eat lunch from stress or social pressure.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
If a previously studious, interested student starts showing loss of interest in schoolwork or stops wanting to go to school, or if their grades begin declining noticeably, that could be a sign of bullying. Loss of focus is a common result of worry or anxiety.
Dreamstime/TNS
If a previously studious, interested student starts showing loss of interest in schoolwork or stops wanting to go to school, or if their grades begin declining noticeably, that could be a sign of bullying. Loss of focus is a common result of worry or anxiety.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
Self-destructive behaviors such as running away from home, harming themselves, or talking about suicide should always be taken seriously. Even if the underlying cause is something other than bullying, if you notice these signs seek help. If someone is thinking of suicide, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline online or at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Dreamstime/TNS
Self-destructive behaviors such as running away from home, harming themselves, or talking about suicide should always be taken seriously. Even if the underlying cause is something other than bullying, if you notice these signs seek help. If someone is thinking of suicide, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline online or at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
This may be one of the more difficult indicators to notice since it's more internal, but if your child is showing a drop in self esteem or feelings of helplessness in what they say or how they act, it could be a sign that something — or someone — is troubling them.
Dreamstime/TNS
This may be one of the more difficult indicators to notice since it's more internal, but if your child is showing a drop in self esteem or feelings of helplessness in what they say or how they act, it could be a sign that something — or someone — is troubling them.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
Frequent headaches or stomach aches are be one of the body's ways of exhibiting unusual amounts of stress. Also, frequently feeling sick (or faking sickness) to avoid going to school or social situations is another signal that something is wrong.
Dreamstime/TNS
Frequent headaches or stomach aches are be one of the body's ways of exhibiting unusual amounts of stress. Also, frequently feeling sick (or faking sickness) to avoid going to school or social situations is another signal that something is wrong.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
If your child comes home with unexplained injuries, scrapes or bruises, it could be due to bullying.
Dreamstime/TNS
If your child comes home with unexplained injuries, scrapes or bruises, it could be due to bullying.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
There are many different forms of bullying, from verbal to social to physical to a mix of each. Items like books, electronics, jewelry, or clothing that go mysteriously missing — or are damaged or destroyed — are an indicator that something is going on.
Dreamstime/TNS
There are many different forms of bullying, from verbal to social to physical to a mix of each. Items like books, electronics, jewelry, or clothing that go mysteriously missing — or are damaged or destroyed — are an indicator that something is going on.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
Like illness or stomach aches, difficulty sleeping and/or persistent nightmares is a clue that something has shifted in the victim's life and should be addressed.
Dreamstime/TNS
Like illness or stomach aches, difficulty sleeping and/or persistent nightmares is a clue that something has shifted in the victim's life and should be addressed.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Shao-chun Wang/Dreamstime/TNS
Another common marker of bullying is the victim suddenly spending much more time alone. Avoiding social events like games or turning down opportunities to hang out with friends when those weren't behaviors before is a clue that it's time to talk.
Shao-chun Wang/Dreamstime/TNS
Another common marker of bullying is the victim suddenly spending much more time alone. Avoiding social events like games or turning down opportunities to hang out with friends when those weren't behaviors before is a clue that it's time to talk.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
There are many reasons why a child might not tell an adult they're being bullied — feelings of helplessness and isolation, fear of backlash, not wanting to feel helpless or rejected by their peers. If you can, first talk to the child. If they're being bullied in school, reach out to a teacher, or the principal or school counselor. A local counselor or mental health services can also be contacted if someone is acting differently than normal, like always seeming sad or anxious or unable to complete standard tasks. If there is immediate risk of harm, call 911.
Dreamstime/TNS
There are many reasons why a child might not tell an adult they're being bullied — feelings of helplessness and isolation, fear of backlash, not wanting to feel helpless or rejected by their peers. If you can, first talk to the child. If they're being bullied in school, reach out to a teacher, or the principal or school counselor. A local counselor or mental health services can also be contacted if someone is acting differently than normal, like always seeming sad or anxious or unable to complete standard tasks. If there is immediate risk of harm, call 911.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
This can include physical or verbal fights.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
If your child's friends seem to be bullying people, your child might be doing so as well.
Dreamstime/TNS
If your child's friends seem to be bullying people, your child might be doing so as well.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Evgeniy Gostuchin
Just how suddenly having lost or destroyed possessions can be an indication your child is being bullied, your child having more money or things can mean they acquired it through bullying.
Evgeniy Gostuchin
Just how suddenly having lost or destroyed possessions can be an indication your child is being bullied, your child having more money or things can mean they acquired it through bullying.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
Bullies are often sent to the principal's office or get detention more often.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
This can include blaming others for their problems, but not being willing to take responsibility for their actions is another sign of bullying.
Dreamstime/TNS
This can include blaming others for their problems, but not being willing to take responsibility for their actions is another sign of bullying.
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Back to school means back to bullying for many: Here’s what to know
Dreamstime/TNS
It's normal to think about how others perceive you, but being overly competitive and worrying about their reputation or popularity can be another sign of bullying.
Dreamstime/TNS
It's normal to think about how others perceive you, but being overly competitive and worrying about their reputation or popularity can be another sign of bullying.
