Barton Goldsmith: Picking the right partner

My wife came downstairs this morning with some moisture patches on under her eyes. They looked a little strange, but it’s a girl thing, and I get it, so I made a little joke and said, “Oh, maybe I should try those!” The one-second look in her eyes when she softly said, “Sure, dear,” spoke volumes.

I could hear what she wasn’t actually saying: “You have to be kidding me. These will not help those cargo bags under your eyes. You need a plastic surgeon, not plastic patches.” She lovingly tried to hide it, but I busted her and spoke every word I’d heard in my head. She almost fell over laughing. We both did.

It was a very cool early spring morning here, and after coffee and our laugh fest, she suggested we take a walk, and I gave her my look and speech. “Honey, it’s 40 degrees outside, and you know I don’t do cold.” She came back at me with, “Just wear the right clothes.”

My retort was, “It doesn’t matter what I wear. Some people are just allergic to cold,” and she said, “I am, too.”

Then I had to throw the challenge flag down.

I pointed out that she’s from Eastern Europe, and I made her admit that she has worn high heels in the snow (the women there actually do that; I’ve seen it). So much for being allergic to cold, and we both laughed again. Being able to laugh with each other about real life is probably the best part of our day. Who we are as people is amusing much of the time, and if you can capture that, it makes life a little bit more enjoyable and fun.

The way adult couples play with each other changes over time, as it should. Sex becomes less important as you age, and physical touch becomes more important. Your connection and the knowledge that you are committed makes you feel empowered. That is true intimacy, and that is what your heart yearns for when you are in a committed relationship.

I am fortunate enough to have this in my life — and my wife would like me to write her a letter of recommendation for being an outstanding partner in case I ever fall off a cliff. She deserves one, but I avoid cliffs, and she’ll never need it. Finding someone who is a great person, who deserves that letter of recommendation and who also loves you truly is better than winning the lottery, and it’s easier. But it does take some effort on both your parts.

Once you decide that being a good person is the most important attribute in a partner, you are on the right path to creating true intimacy in your own life. It is not luck or destiny but understanding that you have to always make good choices when it comes to the people you let into your heart. We all have made mistakes in this area, and the answer is simply not to make any more of them.