Dreamstime/Dreamstime/TNS
When you have your phone out during a first date, the other person assumes you’re looking for better plans or would jump to leave at the first ding of a text. (Dreamstime/TNS)
We’ve all been on bad first dates. When you think about them, are there any common themes? Below are seven things not to do on a first date. Whether you have chemistry or not, avoiding these things will make the date a better experience for everyone.
1. Talking about your ex/past relationships
If you’re talking about your ex in a positive light, it looks like you’re not over that person. And if you’re talking about your ex in a negative light, it looks like you’re not over that person — and likely somewhat bitter about it.
A few years ago, I went on a date with someone I had matched with on Tinder. He seemed nice enough — until he mentioned his ex-wife. I didn’t ask any questions about that relationship because it’s really not my business, and I encourage people to keep things light on the first date. Without any prompting, he proceeded to tell me a long list of negative things about her and how she made him miserable, in addition to telling me that she had a mental illness. A few thoughts immediately went through my mind:
— He’s not over her.
— If he speaks that poorly of her, what would he say about me one day?
— He shares very personal information about other people with strangers.
I was certainly flattered that he felt comfortable enough to share this information with me, but it was completely inappropriate in that setting (at a bar, mind you). He also did not pick up on my cues to change the direction of the conversation. While he and I didn’t have enough in common to warrant another date anyway, the fact that he spent the majority of the date bashing his ex sealed the deal for me.
Some people think it’s fun to share sob stories. It’s not — at least not on a first date, when you should simply be seeing if you have rapport with someone.
2. Being late with no notice or being excessively late, even with notice
You’re running late. Things happen. Be kind enough to notify your date with ample time, if possible.
I once had a date that started at 3 p.m. I arrived at 2:59 and didn’t see him, so I texted to ask if he was inside. He replied at 3:04 that he was on his way. He arrived at 3:08 with no apology. I wouldn’t have cared at all that he was running late. But the fact that he didn’t tell me in advance — and didn’t apologize — was enough to make me annoyed. Remember that your time is no more valuable than anyone else’s.
3. Having your phone out or texting someone else
It’s rude, plain and simple. When you have your phone out, the other person assumes you’re looking for better plans or would jump to leave at the first ding of a text. For the duration of the date, try to put your phone away. (And “away” does not mean screen-side down. It means out of view.) An exception, of course, is if you’re expecting a call or text. Then, simply tell your date up front.
4. Talking about any one topic (especially work — or yourself) too much
If you talk about work the whole time, it feels like an interview. If you talk about yourself, you sound self-absorbed. Make sure the conversation is a give-and-take and it flows.
5. Being rude to a server — or anyone
Treat people kindly, no matter who they are.
6. Not tipping well
Be generous. Tip well.
7. Flipping the “off” switch if not interested
Sometimes you walk into a date, and you know within the first five minutes it’s not a match. That’s OK. It happens. But rather than running through your grocery list in your head during the date, try to stay present and engaged. You both made the time to be there, so it’s best to make the most of it, learn something, and try to enjoy yourself in some capacity.
Now that you know what not to do, it’s time to get dating. And don’t forget to smile!
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7 things not to do on a first date
When you are conversing with someone on a dating app and that person asks to switch over to direct texting on your phone instead (by giving or asking for a phone number), there is a 60% chance the date will no longer happen. (This is based on evidence from my clients’ experiences over the last decade.)
Why is this? Because someone drops the ball and doesn’t text, the plans don’t get finalized, someone texts something inappropriate, it turns into a pen pal relationship … the list goes on.
Make your plans for the first date directly within the dating app.
Once the date is scheduled, feel free to exchange numbers just for contingencies by saying, “In case you need to reach me tomorrow, my number is ___.” Your conversation-to-date conversion rate will be much higher.
When you are conversing with someone on a dating app and that person asks to switch over to direct texting on your phone instead (by giving or asking for a phone number), there is a 60% chance the date will no longer happen. (This is based on evidence from my clients’ experiences over the last decade.)
Why is this? Because someone drops the ball and doesn’t text, the plans don’t get finalized, someone texts something inappropriate, it turns into a pen pal relationship … the list goes on.
Make your plans for the first date directly within the dating app.
Once the date is scheduled, feel free to exchange numbers just for contingencies by saying, “In case you need to reach me tomorrow, my number is ___.” Your conversation-to-date conversion rate will be much higher.
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7 things not to do on a first date
If someone is treating you in a way you don’t like but you accept it, that is the treatment you will get.
For example, let’s say you prefer phone calls, but the person you’re dating only texts you. If you don’t tell the other person your preferences and simply reply to all the texts, then that is what you get.
You should never be shy to ask for what you need, which leads to the next point …
If someone is treating you in a way you don’t like but you accept it, that is the treatment you will get.
For example, let’s say you prefer phone calls, but the person you’re dating only texts you. If you don’t tell the other person your preferences and simply reply to all the texts, then that is what you get.
You should never be shy to ask for what you need, which leads to the next point …
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7 things not to do on a first date
I hear all the time, primarily from women, that they are afraid to express their needs and expectations to their (often new) partner.
Assuming what you’re asking isn’t unreasonable, it’s up to the other person to decide whether to do that or not. If they can, great. If they can’t, then it is up to you to decide how important it is to you.
I hear all the time, primarily from women, that they are afraid to express their needs and expectations to their (often new) partner.
Assuming what you’re asking isn’t unreasonable, it’s up to the other person to decide whether to do that or not. If they can, great. If they can’t, then it is up to you to decide how important it is to you.
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7 things not to do on a first date
Go on a first date for a drink, coffee or a walk. Then, if you’re having a good time, you can stay longer and get food.
If you arrange for dinner and can’t stand each other — no one hopes for this, but it happens — you are stuck at dinner.
Wine bars are great — they usually have good food menus.
Go on a first date for a drink, coffee or a walk. Then, if you’re having a good time, you can stay longer and get food.
If you arrange for dinner and can’t stand each other — no one hopes for this, but it happens — you are stuck at dinner.
Wine bars are great — they usually have good food menus.
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7 things not to do on a first date
I get questions all the time about what something means that someone said. I can make an educated guess, but in the end, only the person who said it knows. If you’re not sure what something meant, ask the person who said it.
I get questions all the time about what something means that someone said. I can make an educated guess, but in the end, only the person who said it knows. If you’re not sure what something meant, ask the person who said it.
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7 things not to do on a first date
If you want something from your partner, they won’t know you want it unless you explicitly say it. Use direct language.
If you want something from your partner, they won’t know you want it unless you explicitly say it. Use direct language.
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7 things not to do on a first date
We learn a lot about ourselves and other people in the dating process. This is necessary.
Some relationships work and some don’t. And many work until they don’t.
But remember that the ones that don’t work out are not failures, and neither are you. It wasn’t a “failed marriage” or a “failed relationship.”
Hopefully it was a positive experience (for at least some period) that couldn’t withstand the test of time.
Each date or relationship is a learning experience that gets us one step closer to the one that lasts.
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Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Join her newsletter for updates and tips.
We learn a lot about ourselves and other people in the dating process. This is necessary.
Some relationships work and some don’t. And many work until they don’t.
But remember that the ones that don’t work out are not failures, and neither are you. It wasn’t a “failed marriage” or a “failed relationship.”
Hopefully it was a positive experience (for at least some period) that couldn’t withstand the test of time.
Each date or relationship is a learning experience that gets us one step closer to the one that lasts.
___
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Join her newsletter for updates and tips.
